Maybe it’s just me. But you don’t work as a marriage/relationship counselor without being personally influenced by the work you do. There have been multiple times (a week) that I think, “oh shit, I literally just worked with a couple on this.” Here I am doing the same thing. Let’s be very real here, there is no such thing as the perfect relationship. And even though I know how to communicate well, share my feelings, and “turn towards” (Gottman people know what I’m saying), I sure-as-shit don’t do it all the time. Good news though – you don’t need to do it right all the time to have a connected relationship.

One of the benefits of working with relationships is that I spend a very large amount of time thinking about how to improve communication. I also think about increasing trust and connection between partners. I also believe that to help and guide, you have to be willing to “go there” yourself (i.e. accept help and be guided). So, here are three things that I (try to) consistently implement in my marriage to stay connected

LAUGH TOGETHER

I genuinely think that it is the most important one. In the daily rush of life, it is really easy to stop laughing. The stress of functioning in a less connected, more divided country makes it hard. People sharing a life and maybe even a family can get easily swept up in doing things that need to be done. They forget to make time for laughter. Fun is at the bottom of many adults’ to-do lists, and since we only get about 1/4 of the way through our to-do lists, when the f#*% are we supposed to have fun?? The answer is: whenever we can. Incorporate fun as much as possible. Have to clean the house? Put on music and take a shot every time you step on a Lego. Have five minutes to spare at work? Text your partner a funny meme. If you can’t think of anything, just think back to what you liked doing as a child and do it now (run and slide down the hall in socks, see how far you can jump, pull your partner(s) around on a blanket). Laughter has so many benefits: stress relief, anxiety reduction, and – the golden child of this article – building connection.

OWN YOUR OWN SHIT

I have a very good memory. I can easily make a list of at least 100 things my husband has done “wrong” in the last 14 years (plus the 10 he did today). I used to use this to justify when I wasn’t showing up well. I thought, “well if he isn’t going to do _____________, why should I __________”. Turns out, I have some baggage from childhood that I packed up and brought with me into my relationship. It was hard for me to feel valid in my feelings and experiences. I needed a list of evidence to prove I was right. I also constantly looked for evidence that my partner thought I was stupid, and that he didn’t want to spent time with me. These things affected my relationship. There was not a snowball’s chance in hell that my relationship would have thrived if I didn’t recognize and own them. Loving myself well is the best guidebook to how to let someone else love me well. Once you learn what your shit is, you can learn to love yourself through that shit. It may make it easier for you to allow others to do the same.

ASSUMING BEST INTENTIONS

Past hurts tend to get covered up with defenses so that people can’t touch the open wounds. Quite a clever adaptive tool actually, if you think about it. We get hurt, we don’t heal, so of course we can’t let anything (or anyone) touch that wound. When we get the sense that someone is getting close, we do whatever we can do protect ourselves. This can look like stonewalling, criticizing, defensiveness, and/or contempt (the worst one for connection). The Gottman’s call these the “Four Horsemen” because they are so damaging to our relationships. Anyway, my point is that my third thing is working on always assuming that my partner has the best intentions. When I feel that familiar scratch on an old wound, I pause instead of quickly trying to protect myself. I assume that my partner is not intending to attack/belittle/abandon me. For example, something that scratches at an old would is when my husband says “Really? I’m going to Google it”. Just typing this is making me irritated! lol! BUT, I know that he thinks I am smart, and he asks me for my advice often. So instead of getting worried (and then angry, because the strong feeling usually covers up the vulnerable one) I tell myself “Stephy, it’s not because he thinks you don’t know, it’s because he is genuinely interested and wants to learn more”. So instead of “fuck you”, I will reply “cool, tell me what you find”.

Please don’t take this as specific advice to help every relationship. Each relationship is unique. If you feel that you could use support in your relationships, reach out to a professional for help catered to your specific needs. This article is to share that relationships are hard, even if it’s your literal job to be good at them. We can’t get it right all the time. We can get it close to right enough of the time to create and maintain a strong connection