Is this you? Your partner (or partners) come home from work and are boiling with rage about something someone said/did to them. Your body becomes tense, your heart rate increases, your breath gets shallow and you immediately want to pour a bucket of water on the raging fire. They’re telling you the story, you catch every third word, and you begin to feel that this is really not a big enough deal to warrant THIS level of frustration. Your instinct is to de-escalate, fix, or even to listen for what you can do to help.

In session I see the quiet partner doing this math: She is angry, I need to be calm so that her anger will not be fueled. Anger + Anger = A dangerous amount of Anger. So, you try Anger + Reason hoping it will de-escalate. You say, “just ignore them” or “why do you let them bother you?” or (the partners with a death wish) “calm down, it’s not a big deal”. Lo and behold, Anger + Reason actually equals MORE ANGER. Let me tell you why

ATTUNEMENT

When someone is in their big feelings (especially anger or fear), they are not engaging their “thinking brain”. In fact, their thinking brain and feeling brain are fighting with each other. The amygdala (feeling brain) is warning them of danger, and their prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) is trying to fight for space to reason. If you try to reason with the amygdala, it will unalive you. JK! But it will usually not de-escalate anything. If you try to reason before the amygdala is calmer, you risk placing yourself in the position of the enemy. You might become the dangerous thing your partner wants to protect themselves from. To help someone with their big feeling, you need attunement. The threat needs to feel less threatening. And what can make the threat less scary? Having a TEAM face the threat instead of having to fight it ALONE. If you ATTUNE aka become part of the TEAM, you can actually add to the safety instead of adding to the threat. Let me tell you how

VALIDATE

Now, sometimes clients (and parents, honestly) worry that validation means agreeing or encouraging the narrative or emotion. It doesn’t. Don’t be too concerned that validating your partner will encourage them to stay angry or confirm that you agree. Most people don’t like being angry or scared, so we can hardly ever encourage someone to stay in a difficult feeling by validating it. When you validate, you tell the amygdala something like “I see you, and I am here to face this with you”. Here are some validating statements you can borrow while you finesse your own:

• “wait WHAT? Omg are you serious? I’m so sorry babe”
• “that sounds like a shit show, I can’t believe you have to deal with this”
• “what did she say to you? Are you kidding?? that’s ridiculous”
• “how many times have you had to deal with this? you are such a trooper I’m so proud of you for how you handle it”
• “that guy is such a dick, it sucks that you have to work with him”
• “yes, my mom can be so crazy sometimes, holy shit” (lol this one might have saved one of my couple’s marriages a few years ago)
• “I can totally understand why you would be so scared about that”
• “I can see how much this is stressing you out, I’m sorry you are sitting with this. Let me pour you something to drink and we can talk about it”

When you start validating your partner using these (or similar) responses to, notice if it starts to de-escalate the emotion. Notice whether within 5 to 15 minutes they start to take deeper breaths and talk a bit softer/slower. This is when you know that your partner is experiencing you attuning to them – making them feel safe and supported

But Steph, I am so good at reasoning, when can I jump in with perspective and solutions?

Honestly, you probably shouldn’t. BUT – if you absolutely have to – here are some tips

1: Ask. “I have some ideas, do you feel like it would be more helpful if I keep listening or do you want me to give you some possible ways to approach this?”

2: Ask. “Is this is venting day, or do you want to collaborate to problem solve”

3: Look at their body. Has their breath returned to normal? Can you see if their pulse is still racing? Have their shoulder’s loosened or are they still up around the ears? Are they moving in an agitated way (pacing) or sitting in a relaxed posture? The body will give you a good idea of whether they are feeling calmer. After you have used some attunement skills and you can notice their body is calmer, ask.

Ok, the end

PS. This is not supposed to replace therapeutic services that have been catered to your specific relationship(s). This is general information that may or may not be applicable – take what feels helpful, leave the rest.

Also, if your partner shows maladaptive anger responses that place you in emotionally or physically unsafe positions – reach out for help. This information is not for people in relationships with domestic violence presence. If you need resources, you can start here: Call 800-799-7233 or text “BEGIN” to 88788